I am filled with sadness and grief…. I am dealing with heartbreak and I thought it would be cathartic and perhaps useful to someone, somewhere if I wrote about it. It’s a devastating experience that’s pushing me to my spiritual limits. So here it goes…
Last Sunday my beloveds and I arrived home safe and sound from our incredible trip to South Africa … only to have one of the most devastating things of my life happen.
We were forced to make the excruciating decision to put our 18-month old Dogue de Bordeux puppy (Boris) to sleep. Here’s the timeline of events…
We landed at JFK airport at 7am on Sunday morning after a full twenty four hours of travel. We arrived in our home at 10am and the phone call came in at 11am. The home based kennel where all three of our dogs were being cared for was on the other end… the owner informed us that Boris was vomiting blood, and should she take him to the Emergency Vet Clinic?
We rushed him to the Emergency Clinic where they examined him and took X-Rays of this chest and lungs. The Vet asked if he could send the X-Rays to a Radiologist to confirm his diagnosis and of course we said yes!
After about thirty minutes, the Vet told us that Boris had bi-lateral pneumonia and a pulmonary hemorrhage… he was coughing up blood and liquid every few minutes…
I totally lost it… I knew we were going to have to let him go and I wasn’t ready…
I have been sobbing on and off for days since this happened… I keep telling myself that I should stop being so silly… that parents are burying their children and that is far, far worse. I keep trying to “get over it”… and I can’t, not yet.
I keep trying to find the reason why this happened to me… to my sweet Boris… and I can’t.
What could I possibly learn from this devastating sadness?
What is the lesson in this pain?
I found myself getting angry at God and immediately after those thoughts, I felt like a spiritual failure… ME, LISA MARIE SHOULD KNOW BETTER!!! I mean I teach this shit!
And then it began to dawn on me… the lesson is acceptance… even when you don’t want to. No, ESPECIALLY when you don’t want to.
Don’t get me wrong, I am totally pissed that Boris did not live his life to a ripe old age, I am soooo PISSED that the boarding facility didn’t bring him to the Vet sooner and allowed his condition to worsen to the point of no return, and I am PISSED that I didn’t get another day to lay with him, cuddle him and quite frankly have the gift of ranting and raving about what a dirty beast he was!
My spiritual work is to accept and transmute this situation… but at the moment I can help but feel that Boris has been taken – STOLEN from me!
My dear friend Stacey Martino sent me a text yesterday that really helped me. She lovingly told me that “Boris was called home… and that as his Mama I had to be strong and allow him to go back home to Source.”
(I wept typing Stacey’s words)
I know she’s right and I am working on it… because I know that through acceptance and allowance I will heal.
Beloved Heavenly Spirit in whom I lay trust,
Please give me new life…
Fill every cell of my being, transform every thought, cleanse every heartbeat,
That I might be as YOU would have me be.
I do not know why this has happened to me.
I cannot see the lesson or the wisdom in this suffering.
I know my spiritual work is not to question but to accept your will…
Take away the darkness of this pain,
Fill me with your blessings and divine grace.
Help me to heal, accept and overcome the burden of this unbearable sadness…
May I be a vessel of divine light today and everyday,
And so it is.
Rest in peace my beautiful Boris I will miss you and your face for the rest of my life. I look forward to the time when we can be together again…
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I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Being a pet-mother myself, I know this heartache all too well. There aren’t any words or quick actions that are going to help you get over this loss. It sounds like you two had a close bond so perhaps this will help. When I lost my beloved Champ, I thought my world was falling apart. He was more than a dog, more than a son to me, he was my soul mate. After his death, several songs came on the radio that signified passing of a loved one or losing someone you love. I’d quickly change the station just to find that all the other stations I turned it to was playing the exact same song. Also following his death, I started receiving white feathers whenever I was feeling down or stressed. These white feathers would flout down out of nowhere or I would awake to find a feather next to my bed. I know this is my Champie, still looking out for me and taking care of my well-being. Look for little signs, I’m sure your Boris is still with you, and is trying to communicate. I still grieve for Champ (he died September 19, 2006) but I know that he’s still with me and I know that we’ll meet again.
Thank you for taking the time to share your experience with Champ. My eldest son has told me twice now that he “feels” Boris in the house and even though I cannot feel Boris through my grief, I believe him. As a young one, Noah communicated and saw crossed over Souls, so I know he KNOWS. I’m hoping once I heal a bit I will begin to feel my Boris too.
Thank you for your support Sandy. I am beginning to “feel” my Boris with me now that the grieving process is not so new and raw. Thank you for sharing your Champie with us. Sending you many abundant blessings. xo
Lisa, I’m sorry to hear of your loss. A pet’s death has effected my family a couple of times and it’s never easy-there’s heartbreak.
I’m grateful that you talked about acceptance and how this helps, in the long run. I know it’s hard to get to that point, but it’s important.
XOXO’s.
Thank you Mona, I appreciate you reaching out and leaving me a comment. Wishing you many divine blessings…
Thank you Mona. I appreciate you taking the time to comment and support me during this difficult time. xo
Oh, Lisa! I am so sorry to hear about this horrible experience and of your loss! I nearly lost my own Frenchie a few years ago and completely understand your pain! Thank you for sharing your raw, honest emotions on this– your vulnerability is so appreciated! Sending you BIG {virtual} hugs! XOX to the moon and back! ~Dawn
Thank you for your support Dawn, I’m so happy that you’re Frenchie is okay and still with you!
Oh Lisa… First, know how many of us are holding you during such a time as this. I too am no stranger to the loss of animal family and so I acknowledge the tremendous grief and pain you’re in Sister. All I can offer you is the invitation to dive deeply. Swim the depths of your grief. Give your Self over to it for as long as it needs to claim you. The greatest gift those of us who teach can give ourselves is “permission”. Let it get ugly… Cry, rant, rail… Surrender to the bosom of Kali Ma and descend. You are not alone and will be there as long as you need. The time for higher perspective and spiritual understanding will come when you’re ready. For now… Just Feel it all Sending love ✨
Thank you so much for your support and wise words Ayla. I appreciate you Sister Goddess <3